Food Fair Nightmare: Raising Your "Spirited Child" Without Going off the Parenting Deep End!

Over 200 pairs of eyes are glued to me as an eight year old, blind, spirited child swings his cane in the air and screams at the top of his lungs, "ORDER ME MY MEAL!"

In the public eye this is a pitiful scene of a caregiver/parent who is mistreating this "poor blind child." But to me this scene is one of being in a "food fair nightmare" struggling with a spirited child who has suddenly refused to order his McDonald's hamburger (as he has easily done before). When I calmly tell him he can either order or we'll go home without his burger, he goes completely berserk!

Stepping out of the radius his cane can reach I wait as public onlookers are stunned into complete silence as they wait to see who will win--will it be me or will it be him?

When It Comes to A Spirited Child Does Anyone Win?

Over the years as a family counselor, I have come to love working with spirited children. These kids have a fire in their belly, a spark in their eye and their feisty attitude can ensure they do not blindly follow the crowd in their teen years (a positive trait most parents hope for). The day in the food fare however, I was not at all inspired by this spirited child but instead exhausted, embarrassed and ready to say "I quit!"

Fortunately, I learned commonsense parenting tools that changed our lives forever and brought out the best in him and in me.

Here are five parenting tips that can peacefully guide you through the battles with a spirited child and can ultimately have you both win in the end:

1. Learn a commonsense approach to parenting. If you attempt to use traditional discipline practices and "make" your spirited child do the things you want you will face an uphill battle you can never win. This does not mean letting your child get away with murder! A commonsense approach to parenting uses firm boundaries, mutual respect and discipline that teaches children to learn from their mistakes.

2. Whatever you do use consistency! Follow through on EVERYTHING you say. Spirited children are gifted at manipulating "chances" and finding loop holes to get what they want. Hold your ground as calmly and firmly as possible. Consider talking less, and acting more. This works well because if you start debating with you spirited child you are certain to loose. This is why in my "food fare hell" example above I simply gave two options (ordering the hamburger or doing home without) and silently waited because as soon as I opened my mouth the negotiating would start, my anger would escalate and we would both loose.

3. Develop patience and humility. Waiting out a fight and not saying anything (especially if a temper tantrum occurs in public) can be one of the most difficult yet important things you can do. Spirited children are bright. They know that one of the most powerful negotiating tools they have is pushing your embarrassment button. Swallow your pride and do not cave in because you look bad in public. If you do, your child will know they can use this trump card in public anytime they want to get their way.

4. Take time outs for yourself. Parenting children is exhausting (especially a feisty one). Find ways of taking time out for yourself (share child care with a friend, hire a babysitter more, use extra hours at daycare) so you can come back refreshed and handle situations more calmly.

5. Use this struggle to better yourself. If parenting was easy there would be no incentive to improve ourselves. I am a far better person for having Graham, a "spirited child," in my life. Lori, a mom of two preschoolers and reader of my parenting book just emailed me about her "spirited 4 year old" and wisely shared:

"I have struggled with parenting...Of course, all of us parents do, but parenting a spirited child is not an easy task. Many of the conventional parenting books don't apply and don't work with my spirited child. I did not even realize how spirited my child was, until I experienced his intense, intense tantrums (when he was 2) and I was so exhausted at the end of the day, I just wanted to cry. Then I took a parenting course and found out that people with 'easy' kids (not that any child is really that easy...but just a little easier than mine), but anyways, people with easy kids don't often go to parenting classes. It is us parents with spirited children who go. And so I found people like me! It is with support like your parenting book and classes that I take, that does allow me to be an 'ultimate mom'...Thanks for your inspiration and help on my road to be as good a parent as my son thinks I am :)"

What Does the Future Hold For a Spirited Child?

In my case, my "food fare hell" ended and I was not sentenced to a life of "parenting purgatory." This same library quiet child who could suddenly erupt into award winning temper tantrums that brought me to my knees is now a 17 year old college student whose year ahead is completely paid by scholarships won. Just this past week, he has taken ownership of his own guide dog to help him live independently on campus. For me and him, we both won in the end.

In the midst of another fight with your spirited child, a parent can wonder if there can possibly be any end to the madness! I am here to tell you that you can find resolution to the drama you and your spirited child live with. Keep the faith, continue to learn commonsense parenting tips and remember that eventually if you follow the basic principles above "this too shall pass."

Wanting more parenting commonsense tips?

Mothering Me: The Secret to Stopping Time for Busy Moms

As I rush to make my massage appointment I reprimand myself for not allowing enough time to get there. Even in my hurriedness I see the irony in being stressed out while attempting to make my relaxing massage appointment.

Doubt creeps in my mind. Is it even worth the hassle to take time out for me?

The scent of lavender that wafts through my nose as I enter Le Petite Spa takes my doubt away. I am in the right place. Here I find an oasis for busy moms and moms-to-be. The process of de-stressing occurs as I slip on my spa robe and slippers. Suddenly my only big decision is water with lemon or water with cucumber.

As I sit in the candle lit relaxation room I wonder, "Now why don't I do this more?" My masseuse Andrew enters the room and my heart momentarily stops as I silently make a note to self to consider requesting a female masseuse when I am looking like a baby beluga whale at 7.5 months pregnant!

Yes, being a parenting educator and counselor does not exclude even me from the impact of the female ego. :-)

Yet, Andrew’s warmth and professional approach puts me at ease and soon has me forgetting all about the extra 26lbs of baby weight he will soon massage. The only request the masseuse makes of me is to breathe. So I inhale and exhale and hear my husband’s corny joke inside my head ("Denial is more than a river in Egypt") as I realize that my body is much more stressed and tense than I realized.

Half an hour into the massage, time seems to have stopped. The mental popup boxes of endless to do items that usually bombard my mind have vanished and I drift away.

The massage is over far too soon.

In an attempt to take this oasis experience home with me I purchase some lavender bath salts and decide to start taking candlelit baths again.

Later I walk through my front door carrying that timeless peacefulness with me. The mountain of papers on my desk, the heaps of laundry and the emails left unanswered no longer fill me with the same overwhelm they did only this morning.

Again I am reminded that lately I have not taken to heart the self care advice I so often give mothers. Smiling I read my own wisdom:

“Being a good mother means making and taking the time to mother yourself so you can mother them well.”

So this is my renewed promise: To do more of the things that re-energize me more, so I can take care of my family more in the way they so deserve.

How about you? Needing more mom self care?

Here's a link to an article written about the self-care philosophy for moms I write about in my book.

Parenting SOS:
"My Biting Toddler is Biting the Dog and the Baby!"

Parenting Biting Question: Kelly my 1.5 year old has taken to biting both the dog and the baby. I've tried many things and have read many parenting books but am without a solution. What can I do? I am worried that he will either hurt our baby or the dog will hurt him. - Mom of Two Seeking Biting Solution

Parenting Solution to Biting:

When your sweet child has turned into your household vampire many a mom and dad are left at a loss of what to do. Biting is common in toddlers who are non-verbal and lack the words to express their frustration. Although biting is common, it does not mean you need to put up with the behavior and there are ways of making biting less appealing to your toddler.

Here are four effective parenting steps that can guide you toward a biting solution in your home:

1. Find your child's biting pay off. Ask yourself, "Why is my child biting?" For every negative misbehavior there is a powerful purpose--a pay off for children. Find your child's pay off and you will be pointed into the direction of the solution.

In my years of working with children, I would make an educated guess that one of the pay offs for your toddler's biting is he gets your attention. With a new baby needing so much of your attention (especially is you are breast feeding every couple of hours) your oldest now has to share your attention--something he never had to do before. A new sibling requires quite the adjustment for your first born who was used to having all your attention to himself.

When children aren't able get and keep their parents' attention positively they will settle for negative attention because some attention is better than none at all! And biting is a powerful hook to take your attention away from the baby and put it on your toddler instead. My guess is that this is just the thing he is looking for.

2. Remove the parenting hook. As parents we can never truly change our child's behavior--influence yes--but change no. Children only change when they ultimately want to and it serves a purpose. The good news is that by changing our behavior and our reaction to theirs we can experience positive change.

Ask yourself, "What can I do to change my reaction to the biting?" My suggestion is to use a neutral reaction when dealing with biting. Friend and parenting colleague Char Wenc suggests you use the same tone you would with the drycleaner (polite but not overly engaged). Say matter of factly once and once only, "Biting is not allowed." Quickly hug your child and remove them from the room OR remove the baby or dog and go about your business. Turn your back on them if need be but do not become engaged with them (other than the quick hug) at this time.

3. Discourage biting by consistently acting and follow through. Make certain you are not raising your voice, lecturing, yelling or biting back in any way. Any aggressiveness on your part will only model for your toddler that this is appropriate behavior. Each time he bites respond in the non-chalant manner recommended in step two and follow through each and every time.

4. Prevent biting behavior by giving your child what they really want and need. A little of your positive attention can go a long way. With the demands of a new baby it can be next to impossible to carve out extra time to spend 1-1 with your toddler and yet, if you don't give it to him, he will continue to demand it with negative behavior. Ellict the help of your husband, family or friends to spend time with the baby so you can spend a little more happy play time with your toddler. Last but not least, when you see your toddler being gentle with the baby and dog notice this by saying something like, "Look at how the baby loves to be touched by you when you are gentle."

Biting is an unfortunate solution many toddlers have found to hook their parents into giving them attention. If parents change their tune by not giving much attention when toddlers demand it, and instead give their attention when their child is doing things they appreciate, we will soon find that biting is reserved for favortie crackers only!

If you have not yet signed up for the free online parenting course do so today so you can give your children more of what they want and need.

(Toddler biting picture above with thanks from www.millville.org)