Food Fair Nightmare: Raising Your "Spirited Child" Without Going off the Parenting Deep End!

Over 200 pairs of eyes are glued to me as an eight year old, blind, spirited child swings his cane in the air and screams at the top of his lungs, "ORDER ME MY MEAL!"

In the public eye this is a pitiful scene of a caregiver/parent who is mistreating this "poor blind child." But to me this scene is one of being in a "food fair nightmare" struggling with a spirited child who has suddenly refused to order his McDonald's hamburger (as he has easily done before). When I calmly tell him he can either order or we'll go home without his burger, he goes completely berserk!

Stepping out of the radius his cane can reach I wait as public onlookers are stunned into complete silence as they wait to see who will win--will it be me or will it be him?

When It Comes to A Spirited Child Does Anyone Win?

Over the years as a family counselor, I have come to love working with spirited children. These kids have a fire in their belly, a spark in their eye and their feisty attitude can ensure they do not blindly follow the crowd in their teen years (a positive trait most parents hope for). The day in the food fare however, I was not at all inspired by this spirited child but instead exhausted, embarrassed and ready to say "I quit!"

Fortunately, I learned commonsense parenting tools that changed our lives forever and brought out the best in him and in me.

Here are five parenting tips that can peacefully guide you through the battles with a spirited child and can ultimately have you both win in the end:

1. Learn a commonsense approach to parenting. If you attempt to use traditional discipline practices and "make" your spirited child do the things you want you will face an uphill battle you can never win. This does not mean letting your child get away with murder! A commonsense approach to parenting uses firm boundaries, mutual respect and discipline that teaches children to learn from their mistakes.

2. Whatever you do use consistency! Follow through on EVERYTHING you say. Spirited children are gifted at manipulating "chances" and finding loop holes to get what they want. Hold your ground as calmly and firmly as possible. Consider talking less, and acting more. This works well because if you start debating with you spirited child you are certain to loose. This is why in my "food fare hell" example above I simply gave two options (ordering the hamburger or doing home without) and silently waited because as soon as I opened my mouth the negotiating would start, my anger would escalate and we would both loose.

3. Develop patience and humility. Waiting out a fight and not saying anything (especially if a temper tantrum occurs in public) can be one of the most difficult yet important things you can do. Spirited children are bright. They know that one of the most powerful negotiating tools they have is pushing your embarrassment button. Swallow your pride and do not cave in because you look bad in public. If you do, your child will know they can use this trump card in public anytime they want to get their way.

4. Take time outs for yourself. Parenting children is exhausting (especially a feisty one). Find ways of taking time out for yourself (share child care with a friend, hire a babysitter more, use extra hours at daycare) so you can come back refreshed and handle situations more calmly.

5. Use this struggle to better yourself. If parenting was easy there would be no incentive to improve ourselves. I am a far better person for having Graham, a "spirited child," in my life. Lori, a mom of two preschoolers and reader of my parenting book just emailed me about her "spirited 4 year old" and wisely shared:

"I have struggled with parenting...Of course, all of us parents do, but parenting a spirited child is not an easy task. Many of the conventional parenting books don't apply and don't work with my spirited child. I did not even realize how spirited my child was, until I experienced his intense, intense tantrums (when he was 2) and I was so exhausted at the end of the day, I just wanted to cry. Then I took a parenting course and found out that people with 'easy' kids (not that any child is really that easy...but just a little easier than mine), but anyways, people with easy kids don't often go to parenting classes. It is us parents with spirited children who go. And so I found people like me! It is with support like your parenting book and classes that I take, that does allow me to be an 'ultimate mom'...Thanks for your inspiration and help on my road to be as good a parent as my son thinks I am :)"

What Does the Future Hold For a Spirited Child?

In my case, my "food fare hell" ended and I was not sentenced to a life of "parenting purgatory." This same library quiet child who could suddenly erupt into award winning temper tantrums that brought me to my knees is now a 17 year old college student whose year ahead is completely paid by scholarships won. Just this past week, he has taken ownership of his own guide dog to help him live independently on campus. For me and him, we both won in the end.

In the midst of another fight with your spirited child, a parent can wonder if there can possibly be any end to the madness! I am here to tell you that you can find resolution to the drama you and your spirited child live with. Keep the faith, continue to learn commonsense parenting tips and remember that eventually if you follow the basic principles above "this too shall pass."

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